how

it is impossible to fathom
beyond comprehension
to be ignored
dropped
ridiculed
by those who are supposed to be
guardians
administrators
moderators

of all places
this was the last one
i ever expected the knife
so firmly placed
between my shoulder blades

do not ask why i weep
for there are no more tears
with the ultimate betrayal
comes the ultimate truth
life will never be
worth living
if you still believe
in friends
or others
who "care"

to survive
you must first
release the idea
that anything will ever
be better
worthwhile
or that honesty still exists

betrayed

it is impossible to fathom
beyond comprehension
to be ignored
dropped
ridiculed
by those who are supposed to be
guardians
administrators
moderators
of all places
this was the last one
i ever expected the knife
so firmly placed
between my shoulder blades

do not ask why i weep
for there are no more tears
with the ultimate betrayal
comes the ultimate truth
life will never be
worth living
if you still believe
in friends
or others
who "care"

to survive
you must first
release the idea
that anything will ever
be better
worthwhile
or that honesty still exists

no quitter

Some people have called me a quitter
Never finishing what I start
But they're just part of that endless tape
Running my mind - tormenting my heart

It says that I’m not capable
What I do isn't any good
I might as well stop trying
- And there are times I wish I could

But you see there is this ember -
Just a spark from days long past
From a flame that raged within me
A courageous spirit meant to last

And no matter how dark the shadows
Or how bitter cold the wind
That tiny force within me
Stirs me on to try again

Some day I'll be a victor
Claiming triumph over my foe
Cause you see – I am no quitter
No matter who might tell me so

from the inside

I want you to stop

    trying to remember
the bad that happened
            when we were little

      We both know it happened
   We both know it hurt
    I suffered from it then
        you suffer from it now
 I just remember more than you do

But I want you to stop trying to remember

     all the bad things
          and instead
               walk through other memories from me

there were rainbows, and fields full of flowers

   hills to roll down
               or slide down when it snowed
       milk weed
   with the gigantasaurus blossoms
                that would explode
      with a puff of air
                sending all its little angels with umbrellas
      floating
           and I would sit and watch
                 and watch
              and tell myself another story

I don’t know if you remember the stories

     I don’t remember the stories
          I guess maybe they were for the time right then
               Not something to be saved

I also want you to take some time

     and remember mommy and daddy
          because I miss them very very much
     they weren’t always mean and angry all the time
               not ‘til after the bad thing

remember the sunshine

             laying in the grass
         watching the clouds go by
    dreaming of flying with eagles
              or swimming with whales
 
remember the shale mountain
      with the snail shells
or climbing to the castle
      where you could see heaven

remember the things that made us smile

      maybe they can make you smile again
  so you don’t hurt anymore

and maybe we’ll be a little stronger

      before the monsters return
             next time

starting a new year

I look up

I look down

all I see is the shroud

of liquid night

impenetrable

suffocating

the pills don’t help anymore

the talks don’t help anymore

I have to move

get away from this spot

this place of torment and shadow

I hear the laughter of life

just beyond my reach

and my tears hit the floor

without sound

a Christmas greeting

cold
bitter cold
it cuts through my coat
tearing at my skin
until I am chilled to the bone
the very marrow

to leave the cold
to escape its grasp
I must leave the wind

so too is your … love
it tears at my heart
until I am wearied to the bone
the very marrow of my existence

and so similar, the solution
to become free of frigid touch of your words
to escape your grasp
I must leave your presence

so please,
don’t ask why I won’t visit
why I do not answer when you call
indeed, why I treat you as nonexistent
no, don’t ask


not when the reason is so apparent

Ode to the Survivor

(Dedicated to my friend and brother survivor, Bobby - on his birthday)

At one time hurt
    confused and ashamed
        over things that you had endured

Now steadier hands
    more self-confident stance
        your footsteps are more secure

Many pitfalls and traps
    have lain ‘fore your feet
          when you feared you would never survive

Yet with continuing effort
     and help from your friends
          you’re learning now how to thrive

And though at one time
     if you looked for hope
          chances are you found less than zero

Now each day brings you closer
     to full victory
          and the day you become your own hero