Monday, July 8, 2013

just another day



the sun rises
and my head is hungover
with remnants of the nightmares
that plagued my sleep

he is here
he is always here
head thrown back
as his body shakes with raucous laughter
at my expense

I close my eyes
only to see his face
my body quakes with fear
as I hold back screams of terror

years of therapy
yet the scene continues to play
empty medicine bottles
that held empty promises
that the current one
was the right one

the sky dims early today
and the air turns to frost
it is beyond me
and yet – on this day –
I have no concern

desires for freedom
lead to hope
and hope frays the edges
of my heart
until I can bear no more

and long for a tomorrow
that never arrives
but stays as black
as my very soul

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Treasure

There is a child deep within me

A frightened

battered

bruised

beaten

raped little boy

He is terrified of me

Though I have offered him comfort

compassion

understanding

safety

and love

he will have nothing to do with me

See, in my much-less ordered past

I blamed everything on

him

I screamed obscenities in his face

Riled against everything he was

Even blaming my present on him

I have apologized

I have pled with him

cried with him

and in his darkest moments

I’ve cradled him in my arms

Until he realizes where he is

and dashes off

to his corner

in the dark, damp basement

So I sit, cross-legged on the floor

at the opposing corner

of the room

in the light

so he can see me at all times

and I wait

and pray that someday he will see me

as I am

not the monster he suspects

and more so

so much more so

that he will see himself

as the most priceless treasure

I have ever had the honor

to hold.


Monday, May 6, 2013

betrayed

it is impossible to fathom
beyond comprehension
to be ignored
dropped
ridiculed
by those who are supposed to be
guardians
administrators
moderators
of all places
this was the last one
i ever expected the knife
so firmly placed
between my shoulder blades

do not ask why i weep
for there are no more tears
with the ultimate betrayal
comes the ultimate truth
life will never be
worth living
if you still believe
in friends
or others
who "care"

to survive
you must first
release the idea
that anything will ever
be better
worthwhile
or that honesty still exists

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

no quitter


Some people have called me a quitter
Never finishing what I start
But they're just part of that endless tape
Running my mind - tormenting my heart

It says that I’m not capable
What I do isn't any good
I might as well stop trying
- And there are times I wish I could

But you see there is this ember -
Just a spark from days long past
From a flame that raged within me
A courageous spirit meant to last

And no matter how dark the shadows
Or how bitter cold the wind
That tiny force within me
Stirs me on to try again

Some day I'll be a victor
Claiming triumph over my foe
Cause you see – I am no quitter
No matter who might tell me so

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

from the inside


I want you to stop
    trying to remember
the bad that happened
            when we were little

      We both know it happened
   We both know it hurt
    I suffered from it then
        you suffer from it now
 I just remember more than you do

But I want you to stop trying to remember
     all the bad things
          and instead
               walk through other memories from me

there were rainbows, and fields full of flowers
   hills to roll down
               or slide down when it snowed
       milk weed
   with the gigantasaurus blossoms
                that would explode
      with a puff of air
                sending all its little angels with umbrellas
      floating
           and I would sit and watch
                 and watch
              and tell myself another story

I don’t know if you remember the stories
     I don’t remember the stories
          I guess maybe they were for the time right then
               Not something to be saved

I also want you to take some time
     and remember mommy and daddy
          because I miss them very very much
     they weren’t always mean and angry all the time
               not ‘til after the bad thing

remember the sunshine
             laying in the grass
         watching the clouds go by
    dreaming of flying with eagles
              or swimming with whales
 
remember the shale mountain
      with the snail shells
or climbing to the castle
      where you could see heaven

remember the things that made us smile
      maybe they can make you smile again
  so you don’t hurt anymore

and maybe we’ll be a little stronger
      before the monsters return
             next time

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

starting a new year


I look up

I look down

all I see is the shroud

of liquid night

impenetrable

suffocating

the pills don’t help anymore

the talks don’t help anymore

I have to move

get away from this spot

this place of torment and shadow

I hear the laughter of life

just beyond my reach

and my tears hit the floor

without sound

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

a Christmas greeting

cold
bitter cold
it cuts through my coat
tearing at my skin
until I am chilled to the bone
the very marrow

to leave the cold
to escape its grasp
I must leave the wind

so too is your … love
it tears at my heart
until I am wearied to the bone
the very marrow of my existence

and so similar, the solution
to become free of frigid touch of your words
to escape your grasp
I must leave your presence

so please,
don’t ask why I won’t visit
why I do not answer when you call
indeed, why I treat you as nonexistent
no, don’t ask


not when the reason is so apparent